J. C. Mogensen

Reality with a Healthy Dose of Humor


Battle of the Space Captains

Posted on October 12, 2011 at 2:55 PM

I was originally gonna try and write something inspirational and uplifting about overcoming adversity, dealing with disappointments and setbacks and handling rejection. While ruminating on the topic (thinking up smartass things to say) I started asking myself the obvious question, "How would Captain Kirk handle things?" This logically led the follow-up query, "What would Han Solo do?" Inevitably, I finally found myself asking the most important question of all, "What about Mal?" In an effort to soak up the sweet traffic from what I hope will be a nerd flame war, I decided to abandon the original subject of this post and focus instead on these three space captains and work out which is truly the best.

No! We can not 'all just get along!'


This is not a matter of which ship would win in a fight. That would be the Enterprise. It was made to get Kirk from one fine piece of space ass to the next and mess up whatever happened to get in the way. It's the iPhone of interstellar travel - sleek, smooth and so easy to drive an Asian can do it. The Millenium Falcon, on the other hand, is indisputably cool but gets sucked up by the Death Star's tractor beam faster than contraband Cheetos at a Weight Watcher's meeting. Serenity is the newest of these icons and the kind of Firefly class transport death trap that'll be with you till you die, but it barely stays in the sky half the time and isn't exactly well-equipped for any thrilling space battle heroics. It's more of a planet-hopping cargo van than anything.


No Contest

Before we get into their differences, we would be remiss if we didn't talk about how similar these fellas are. You could make the case that Han was just a more piraty version of Kirk and that Mal takes those attributes that made Han awesome and cranks them up to "kickass." The biggest difference between Han and Mal is that Mal definitely shoots first. Now, onto the chicks. Mal has a thing for whores, Kirk never met a strange new hyper-colored vagina he wasn't willing to boldly be the first man in and Han's attraction to a certain gold medal bikini wearing princess who likes to tongue kiss her twin brother is problematic, to say the least.


The sexy side of slavery

Their captaining styles seem similar on the surface, but there are some important differences. Kirk set the standard for running a badass battle ship and, unlike the other two, his crew doesn't seem poised to mutiny at any second. He also doesn't hesitate to toss out the rule book and sacrifice red-shirts in the name of beating the sweet baby Jesus out of whatever species he just discovered. Han is the one that barely squeaks by as a captain since, even though he does have his own ship, his crew usually consists of just one sasquatch. Despite the fact that we never actually see Han get into a fist fight, I think it's safe to assume that he could hold his own should problems arise while enjoying a pint at the nearest galactic pub. Mal rivals Kirk when it comes to being eager for a tussle, the problem is that he gets his ass handed to him more often than not. Everyone on Serenity knows that Mal is in charge and they will rescue him if they have to, but they aren't above being openly insubordinate every chance they get.

One more picture of slave girl Leia. Because I can


It's a hard thing choosing the winner but I'm gonna have to give the trophy to Mal because he's almost as much of a captain as Kirk, but more of an outlaw than Han. Kirk comes in a close second because, even though he went out of his way to get disposable members of his crew killed off, he was always in control. Other than the times he was giving the Skywalker twins and their entourage a ride, Han Solo was never responsible for more than just a single skunk ape and himself. Kirk is the one I would rather have in charge if I was in space (as long as I wasn't on an away team with him) but Mal is the one I'd rather serve side by side with. I like Han - his shiftiness is a big part of his charm - but I wouldn't trust him any further than I could throw an Ewok. No matter where you fall, I think we can all agree that none of these guys would take any shit from that candy-ass Picard. His ship is really just a glorified cruise liner despite being able to transform into a flying saucer and he'd rather talk to his enemies about their feelings than leave them in a pool of blood breathing snot bubbles. Pussy.



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1 Comment

Reply Peazy
6:47 PM on October 13, 2011 
Funny stuff! Thanks. I enjoyed this!