J. C. Mogensen

Reality with a Healthy Dose of Humor


My Car is the Highlander

Posted on October 3, 2011 at 11:50 AM

In this age of disposable of tech, it's nice to see something that actually lasts. Of course, a lot of the time we upgrade without any real reason. My Droid Incredible, which was Verizon's flagship smartphone in early 2010, seems ridiculously antiquated now when compared to the dual-core, big-screen, LTE super-phones that are available even though it does everything I actually need it to do. Spending four or five hundred bucks just to have the latest and greatest piece of pocket tech may seem like a monumental waste of money, but it pales in comparison to the cost of replacing a vehicle. That's not to say that you can't get a pretty kickass hoopty for a few Benjamins. I have.

Seeing a car go a few hundred thousand miles while being treated to meticulous maintenance is pretty impressive but owning a car that can do that while having the living shit kicked out of it is really special. I have been blessed over the years to have owned a few unkillable cars. When I say 'unkillable' I don't mean a car that can go the distance if you baby it, I mean a car that you have to deliberately murder if you want it to stop. They're like Christine but without all the demonic homicide. My first such vehicle was an '83 F-150 that I bought in '95. The first day I had it I pulled a brand new Chevy out of the ditch while four-wheeling on a mountain in Northern Idaho. Two owners after me, it finally took a fire to kill it completely. I assume Satan needed a 4X4.

My entry for 'Badass' in Wikipedia

The next one is a '93 Crown Victoria that had over two hundred grand on the non-working odometer when I picked it up for $700 in 2005. She never got an oil change because she leaked and burned through that black gold as fast as you could add it. I once drove it for two weeks with no rear brakes. That car had a wierd habit of growling at random passers-by when parked as the air suspension built up pressure. It assassinated a deer once with nothing but a broken signal light lens to show for it. I finally sold it to a friend who was too cheap to pay for gas and who thought that hybrid vehicles were for pussies. He started adding a couple of gallons of used transmission fluid to every tank of gas and the Crownie ran like a champ, mostly to prove that it gave even fewer fucks than he did.

Imagine Darth Vader as a sedan

There is also the '95 Grand Cherokee that my ex-wife totaled twice. You know those two foot tall concrete parking posts that are bright yellow and tell you where not to drive in a parking lot? My ex decided that no one was the boss of her and proceeded to hit one head-on at full speed. After dislocating the front axle from the vehicle, she drove 70 miles down I-94 home. My insurance company took a look at it and pulled a Nader by declaring it "unsafe at any speed." $500 later and the Jeep was as good as new. Round two occurred a year later when a snow plow picked a fight with her and, sadly, the rig that I had used to tow a boat twice its size did not survive. I could have fixed it but my eye had begun to wander.

I'll never understand what she had against my cars

Honorable mentions go to my '88 Mustang and '74 Mustang II. My idiot roommate blew out the clutch on the '88 and left it parked in a snowplow turnaround on the highway between Moscow and Lewiston, ID.  After talking my other roommate into helping me tow it into town, I crawled underneath to find that I had connected the tow rope to the lower radiator hose. That's like pulling a person ten miles up and down hills by tying a rope to a single pube. The '74 Pintang executed a Ranger (I'm pretty sure it would have yelled "Come at me, Bro!" to the mini-truck afterwards if it could talk) and drove away with little more than a dent in the fender. For the record, the '74 is the one vehicle in this list that was, without a doubt, a Decepticon.

I will not post a pic of the '74 - that car is dead to me

Sure, you can spend 50 grand on a new BMW Douchemeister and have all the bells and whistles that anal-retentive Germans can stuff into a car, but I'd rather have a 10 year old Ford Zombie that doubles in value when you fill the tank.


 My newest lady. I call her "Echo."

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Categories: Cars, Trucks and Transportation, People and Culture, Technology

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