|Posted on September 26, 2011 at 4:45 PM|
Like most people, I drank more than my fair share of booze in my early twenties. Also like most people, I may or may not have partaken in a certain type of herbal self medication in my younger years. I was never, however, tempted by hard drugs or the idea of spending days in an alcohol-fueled stupor. Some people fall down that rabbit-hole and spend years trying to claw their way backout again, but not me. That's not to say that I am immune to the effects of fun-time chemicals though, for some reason prescription pharmaceuticals hit me like a two-ton heavy thing. I lost an entire week after leg surgery thanks to the wonders of Vicodin (I had to ask the Doc for something a little less powerful) and even Codeine-laced cough syrup knocks me for a loop. Crushing depression and fits of rage are common side effects of drug use, but, for me, I merely wax poetic about whatever stupid bullshit catches my eye. After a recent twelve hours under the influence of the previously mentioned cough syrup, I opened my DropBox account to the following gem that I swear I do not remember writing:
It gets a little wierd
Oh Google, you really are the best. Is there anything you don’t know or can't do? I've learned all about Santorum from you, seen fake pictures of naked celebrities and found out whether or not pneumonia is contagious. I learned that 5ml is equal to 1 teaspoon (which I should have asked you about before quadrupling the dose on my narcotic cough syrup, but whatta you gonna do?) and how to make perfect Rice Krispie Treats. I bet if you were a girl you would be supercute - not snotty or stuck-up at all. Bing is a high society bitch and Yahoo is the slutty friend that follows her around. The three A’s – Ask, AltVista, and AOL Search – are a cheerleader squad. They’re cute enough and they get the job done, but only by cheating off of you and Yahoo (who cheats off of Bing) and they lack your elegant simplicity and reliability. No, you are your own search engine and you don’t need to prove how much more breathtaking you are than the also-rans, not when your name is synonymous with “Sit back ‘cause I got this.” Only GigaBlast, the Zooey Deschanel of search engines, comes close, but at the end of the day she’s just a little too odd and quirky for it to be anything more than a summertime fling.
It doesn’t matter how we connect. Whether it’s from IE or Firefox, Opera or Safari, you are always my home page. Maybe you’ve heard the rumors that Facebook is on its way to becoming the hot new thing in search. Well, that might be true for some people, but not me. Sure I use Facebook, but that little hussy will never come between us. When I need a restaurant review, movie times, or even directions I don’t say, “Hang on, Imma Facebook this.” Nope. I turn to the one who has settled arguments and made me look smarter than I am time and again.
So here’s to you Google: You have my contacts, more personal information than I’m comfortable with, my number and my heart. Yes, I am feeling lucky, let’s go steady.
From now on I will only use baby aspirin since that seems to be all I can handle. In summation, don't do drugs m'kay? Yes, they're fun and yes, they make the world a more interesting place, but they also make you stupid. And not just a little oh-you're-so-funny kind of stupid, but full-on, what-the-shit-did-you-just-say, retarded.
But I do like Google.