J. C. Mogensen

Reality with a Healthy Dose of Humor


Things My 5 Year Old Said:

Posted on July 27, 2011 at 6:25 PM

I have two daughters, 11 and 6, and I wrote down some of the strange things that came out the mouth of my youngest before she started kindergarten. Enjoy the wisdom of a crazy person:

About her older sister – “She’s from the planet Z-Tard.”

After deciding (apropos of nothing) that one of her sister’s friends at school is imaginary and probably a pirate with an eye patch -“I bet she swabs the poop deck” (then laughs hysterically)


(In a sing-song voice) “She wants to give them ‘Muchas Smooches’” – Referring to her sister and the Jonas’ Brothers


After seeing her mom’s bra in the bathroom –“What are Mommy’s boobs DOING on the FLOOR?!?!” (clearly upset)


“I bet they would like you in there” – To her mom after we drove past a prison.


Trying to rap – “Fricka fricka YEAH!”


Upon seeing yellow snow –“Either someone dropped their butter or a dog peed there”


“You know when people are vampires and they turn into bats; what happens to their clothes?”


“If you get mad at me one more time, I’m gonna put on my warm clothes and go to China”


“I challenge you to a game of ‘Hi Ho Cherry Oh’, and if I win then that means that I can see soap in the dark.” (This was absolutely and completely random)


In the shower – “My butt feels like burning fire”  Me – “Is the water too hot?” “No, I just have a ROCKET BUTT!!” (Then jumps straight up)


After a fairly decisive Candy Land victory – “I WON, I WON, I WON!! …….. Oh, sorry. I said ‘I won’ three times and that’s bragging. But, I did win.” (I wonder if yelling it only twice is acceptable.)


To a poor woman at the mall who was trying to pretend that she didn’t see the little blonde maniac trying to befriend her - “Hey lady, I waved at you!!!”


“If you’re ever in the woods, you have to be careful of squirrels. Cuz if you get too close to one they can skunk you and you’ll have to take a ketchup shower.” – So close and yet so far.

“Does this hat go with my awesomeness?” – Such a modest child


“You know what people in Texas drive? Horses…… I guess they don’t like buying gas.”


Her -  “How far do we have to drive?”

Me  -  “Just a block or so.”

Her -  “How far is a block?”

Me  -  “Half as far as two blocks and twice as far as half a block.”

Her - “AAHHHH!!!! That doesn’t make any sense!! That’s like teaching a boy how to swim by drownding him!!!” (And yes, she said drownding, not drowning)

Her - "Dinosaurs died 'cause they ate all the trees."

Me  - "How's that now?"

Her - "Dinosaurs eat trees and trees make air, so, when the dinosaurs ate all the trees they couldn't breathe anymore and that's how they all died. Got it?"

Me  - "Loud and clear."

Her Big Sister - "Oh. My. God."

"If everyone was the same, the world would be boring. I mean, we would all have the same ideas and no one would ever invent a new way to make a cake. Cake is what makes the world go 'round."

"Are hotdogs made at a weinery?"

"What kind of candy do you think a super-villian eats?"

"If Chloe got bited by a vampire she would turn into a vampard. That's a retarded vampire, in case you were wondering."


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Categories: Children, Parenting and Family

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