J. C. Mogensen

Reality with a Healthy Dose of Humor


Toilet Trouble

Posted on July 20, 2012 at 7:55 PM

First of all, let's all agree that public bathrooms are gross. This is more of a reflection on us, as a society, than the people charged with cleaning up after our biohazards. (Unless we're talking about Wal-Mart bathrooms, which I have to believe are constructed using bricks made from kiln-fired feces. How else do you get so much nasty concentrated in such a small area?) When otherwise decent humans go into a public restroom they lose all morality and ethical responsibility and start pissing like their genitals are the sprinklers at the county park. Bathroom anonymity leads to upper-deckers and peed-on toilet paper rolls.

An author/mad scientist friend recently posted on Facebook about the need for two classes of bathrooms in office and professional environments – one for droppin' a deuce and the other for going numéro uno. Ideally, the plop-and-squat bathroom would be located far from the work area so that you could sit and growl in peace, while the whizroom would be nice and close so that the coffee-fueled drones have easy access. According to her, anyone caught bombing the bay in the "If it's yellow, let it mellow" restroom instead of the "If it's brown, flush it down," one would be subjected to severe beatings at the hands of his or her coworkers and public shaming. I may be exaggerating her position, or possibly even fabricating the whole post, but I think the reasoning stands on its own.


 The butt-burrito bathroom is down the hall, Bitchacho!


Of course, restroom problems go far beyond just our tendency to turn into filthy animals as soon as the door closes behind us. There are some things that simply baffle me. Heads up pub owners, this one's for you: If you can afford to keep the lights on in your dumpy little dive, you can afford to throw up a small dividing wall between the urinals. How much can they possibly cost? I mean for Pizzas Hut's sake, what makes you think I need to talk to the stranger next to me while I'm doing the deed. Just because we have our business out, doesn't mean we're suddenly friends. And what the hell is with the ice in the urinals at bars and restaurants? Is it there to give fellas something to aim at or is hot pee just really hard on the pipes? Also, if your establishment has one of those troughs that run the length of the wall in the men's room, I hope the whole joint burns to the ground with you in it.


 Am I making myself clear?


Yes, I am one of those guys that will wait for a stall. I make no apologies for that. It's not because I have a shy bladder or have high standards for privacy, there are just some things a person likes to do on their own. I will conversate with anyone (almost) about anything (almost), but not when my bits are in my hand.

And ladies, your restrooms are probably even worse than the fellas'. I used to help my Dad with his cleaning business when I was a teen and the women's bathrooms were always the most disgusting. Maybe it's because of their penchant for hovering, maybe it's because they liked the idea of a man cleaning up after them, but it was just total chaos in there all the time. One office in particular had little trash cans mounted on the wall in each stall so that the ladies could 'periodically' dispose of certain items that had served their purpose (you see what I did there?). The women clearly had no regard for the poor schmuck who had to deal with them after they were done. It's a testament to my sexuality that I retained my hetero status after emptying those. Women are every bit as vile in the water closet as men, my ex-wife can tell you a story about wearing a one-piece jumpsuit and trying to use the stall in a bar at 2 AM where some dumb sorority girl had just tried to spare her guts the hassle of digesting a night's worth of pink cocktails.


So here's the thing, we can do better. I know we all have the occasional restroom emergency and even the best sharp shooter misses the mark occasionally, but maybe if we all made a concentrated effort to not be so damn disgusting then establishment owners wouldn't feel like they have nothing to lose by putting ads above the can.


 Yes, this is a real bathroom ad. I found it in the men's room of a senior center. I think they nailed their target market.

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1 Comment

Reply Heather Bserani
8:51 PM on July 20, 2012 
This is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't stop chuckling!