J. C. Mogensen

Reality with a Healthy Dose of Humor


How Hard Could It Be?

Posted on December 22, 2011 at 1:50 AM

Steps to becoming a famous author:

  1. Write a book
  2. Build a swimming pool in the shape of your initials for rap video bitches in gold thongs to congregate in.


 Based on extensive research, this is accurate


If only it were that easy.

Stephanie Meyers gets a lot of shit, mostly because she writes a lot of shit, but if there is a silver lining to her success it's that more people are reading and writing. Of course, that's probably because they have the same "Hey, I can do that" reaction as people looking at abstract expressionist paintings and thinking that their toddler is the next Jackson Pollock. The point is that whether or not they're made up of a combination of thinly veiled Mormon morality and her unfulfilled sexual urges, she wrote a book, got published and made fat stacks, yo. That alone is both inspiring and depressing because, A. if she can do it, I can do it, and B. if she can do it and I can't then I must be a worse writer than the person behind Twilight, which means I've brought shame upon my family.

I don't wanna rag on old Stephanie "Mary Sue" Meyers too much. After all, writing is hard and finishing even one book is a praiseworthy accomplishment, no matter how damaging it is to the world-view of young girls. Even the South's favorite book, the Bible, took forty people to write. "But there are 66 books in the Bible," a megachurch pastor will argue. Yeah, but a lot of those are written by the same person. (Seriously, 1, 2 and 3? You couldn't come up with better titles for your sequels, John?) Writing is an act of love that keeps you away from family, fishing and friends*. If you do it because you want to get rich then you've already doomed yourself to failure.

No matter how long the list of tips for aspiring writers is, they can all be boiled down into one word: write. I read once that the first book a person writes should go immediately into the round file after completion because it will, without exception, be terrible. That sounds awful and I don't know why anyone would spend the months, or years, it typically takes to write a novel only to toss it once it was done. Not me, I said to myself, my first book will be awesome. Then I went through some of the unfinished stuff I had cluttering up my hard drive and realized that the three novels worth of partial projects hiding in there should be quarantined to keep them from infecting the rest of my files with their super-charged mediocrity.

It takes a lot of practice, but if you do it for the right reason the process will be a lot less tedious. I may never get a six figure book deal and I may never get interviewed by Jon Stewart, but I will finish my book because I love the time I spend with the imaginary friends I've created. I just hope that if I keep at it, maybe, just maybe, someone else will enjoy it too.

Not to change the subject, but does anyone know where you get rap video bitches from? Is there an agency or do they just show up when you need them most, like fairy godsluts?


 You need penicillin for what she leaves under your pillow


*Ranked by order of importance



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