J. C. Mogensen

Reality with a Healthy Dose of Humor


First World Problems

Posted on December 14, 2011 at 1:05 AM

We all have our own idea of what constitutes a real problem versus just a mild inconvenience. There's no doubt that some things are more troublesome than others, but does that mean that something that doesn't bother one person isn't a pain in the ass for the next guy? No. Spend some time online reading about the irritating goings-on of others (posts usually punctuated with an "FML") and someone will, without fail, claim the moral high-ground by reminding everyone that we don't live under the heel of a totalitarian despot, aren't starving to death, have relatively easy access to clean water and health care, and on and on. It's true that we have it better than a lot of our 6 billion plus neighbors, but my reaction to the "you don't have it so bad" crowd is to recommend that perhaps they might enjoy a game of "Hide and Go Fuck Yourself" while the rest of us anonymously vent about the minor inconveniences that drive us into a white-hot rage.


I have a nice place to call home, food in the fridge, healthy kids and a sweet, sweet ride, but I'm not rich by any means. In our house certain luxuries have to be carefully planned out in order to keep from torpedoing our finances. Wanna eat out? Fine, but that means PBJs for lunch tomorrow. Need new snow boots? OK, we'll start at Wal-Mart and work our way up through the hierarchy of affordability and hope we find something before we reach gold-plated Trendy-Ohs at Macy's. This also means that when it comes to satisfying my sweet tooth for gadgets, I have to save a little here and there in order to experience the adrenaline rush that comes from firing up a shiny new toy for the first time in a fiscally responsible way.


Sorry kids, ramen noodles tonight. Daddy needs to look fabulous.

Which brings me to my point: I have been anxiously waiting for a certain high-end phone-type thing to be released (not an Apple product, thank you very much) so that I can finally upgrade to the latest and greatest in pocket-based computing. Following the tech blogs, and the comments therein, inevitably leads to some assbag telling everyone "It’s just a phone, relax." No, you pencil dick, it's not just a phone. For me it's a hobby, an entertainment device, a portal into my PC and a machine that plays a very real part in whether or not I make money since it is directly tied into my productivity. Could I make do with the smartphone I already have? Maybe, maybe not. But I don't want to.

Just take my damn money already!


Some people collect extramarital sexy friends, some people juggle geese, I love all things tech. Maybe it is silly to get riled up over a phone, but I'm an American and that's where my priorities lie. I mean it's great that Libya and Egypt have had relatively successful revolutions, and Imma let you finish, but Verizon cannot successfully release a hotly anticipated device without royally screwing the pooch in the process. Yes, we should support AIDS research, it sucks that almost 900 million people have unsafe drinking water and I don't understand why gays have to prove their humanity in order to get equal rights from the god of right wing fundamentalists, but why does road construction take so long, why can't my goddamn cable company consistently give me the high-speed broadband I'm paying for and what the hell are my upstairs neighbors doing after 10 PM – practicing their square dance routine?

And for anyone wondering whether I'm being sarcastic or self-centered, I totally am.

 Not a huge fan of most memes, that being said, here's a fitting one:



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Categories: Technology, People and Culture

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