|Posted on July 26, 2011 at 5:45 PM|
Let's have a grown-up conversation about people. And why they are so irritating. Now, to preface, we should acknowledge that there are some really good folks out there who are doing their best to make the world a little less murdery and horrible. But for every good, decent, hardworking person there are at least two who are just taking up space. I don't want to talk about the shining examples of humanity because if we do they'll start to get inflated egos and it'll be hard for the whole 'meek inheriting the Earth' thing to happen. Let's let them toil away in obscurity for now and concentrate on the real asshats among us.
People Who Can't Park.
Jeep's slogan is 'The Things We Make, Make Us.' Makes me wonder which came first, the asshole or the turd?
I'm not talking about rich dickbags who take up two spots on purpose so that no one will come within forty feet of their douche-mobiles, that’s a different kind of self-inflated prickery. I mean the ones who can't handle the most basic of car-related tasks. Parking a car is a non-skill. If you can pilot it down the road, you should be able to bring it to a complete stop inside of two yellow lines without the front tires landing on the sidewalk. Crappy parking sets off a chain reaction of door-based love taps from one rig to the next. One idiot pulls in crooked and the next person has to scoot WAY over in order to avoid the damage that's going to be caused by the first jackass's half-witted attempt to back out. The next person has to move a little further over and soon the lot becomes total anarchy. The only way to avoid it is to leave a space open and hope that a motorcycle pulls in, but we all know what's really going to happen – someone in a Cavalier that the paint has actually fallen off of will squeeze in there and whip their eight foot long door open like they're halfway through a bathroom emergency.
People With Dogs
"I got shot, wanna see the bullet-hole?"
I don't hate dogs, I like them. In fact I had a German Sheppard named Jake growing up that was the most majestic, mellow, protective, playful, obedient, and intelligent animal to ever walk on four legs. Imagine if the souls of Jesus, Buddha, and Buffy were combined and reincarnated as the world's awesomest beast and you'll be in the neighborhood of the ballpark. I loved that dog, but I didn't expect everyone else to. A dog is like a dream – no one else is as interested in it as the person who has it. I worked for a utility company for a while and had to go into people's yards, which taught me to have zero patience for the animals of others. If I had a nickel for every time I was told that the meth-addicted Labrador trying to speed-rape my leg was 'just being friendly' I would have at least a $1.25. Unimpressed? That's 25 times. If your dog chases me when I'm on my bicycle I will run it over. I spent the money on a cushy seat with a built-in nut cup which means I'm ready for a bumpy ride, is he? I'm glad you love you dog; you would be a terrible pet-owner if you didn't, but keep it quiet and the hell away from me and for the love of Scooby-Doo, pick up its shit.
People With No Sense Of Decency Or Appropriateness
"My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard.... And gives them Type II Diabetes."
I'm not a prude by any means and I like ladies in revealing clothes as much as the next person who writes stuff to post online. I don't mind when people show affection for each other in public and even the best of us lose our tempers in front of strangers from time to time. That being said, the parents of the teenage girls who have their butts hanging out of their shorts at the mall should be gently, but firmly, punched in the nose. Overweight people should make friends with at least one honest person who cares enough to tell them if the skin-tight shirt they're wearing makes them look more like an overstuffed leaf bag than a super-sized love machine. There is also a not-so-fine line between PDA and dry-humping. I don't know about most people, but when I see two people holding hands, stealing kisses, or wrapping their arms around one another I just kind of assume they've gotten down to business together at some point in the past. There is no reason to demonstrate your bedroom prowess for everyone at Quiznos. Finally, even the best relationships come close to fist fights every now and then, but that doesn't mean every argument has to be handled in a public forum. When the lady in the apartment across the street stands on her third floor balcony and yells at her "rotten bastard" of a boyfriend standing in the lawn downstairs, it isn't entertaining or interesting, it just makes me worry about whether stupidity is contagious.
This is by no means an exhaustive list but I think we're making some real headway. Let me finish with a story: I was picking up a few things at the local supermarket when I came across a young couple. The guy was wearing the biggest t-shirt I have ever seen (honestly, where do they buy those?) and was tall and thin. His girlfriend was short and round and was wearing yoga pants and a stained tank-top that she apparently stole from a ten year old boy. Seriously, that shirt should have been awarded a Medal of Valor for service above and beyond the call of duty. During my hunt for popcorn, milk, and M&M's I ran into them at least three times. The last time, they were in front of me when I realized the guy had his hand in the girl's ass. Not 'on it,' in it. He was forearm deep in the backside of her stretch pants and there was movement going on way down there that should not have been happening in a grocery store. Since they were obviously together I'm glad he found her so attractive, but seeing him finger-blasting her b-hole in the deli section made me die a little inside.
Categories: People and Culture