|Posted on December 26, 2011 at 4:35 PM|
I think we have taken just about enough. If the recent hippie protests have shown us anything, it's that we need to demand fair and just treatment from the power players in this country. Instead of simply rolling over and taking it, we need to start holding the government and corporations to a higher standard. From SOPA to golden parachutes, we, the average members of American society, have been bending over and letting the fancy people have their way with us without any consequences for too long. The line must be drawn here, no further. But, where to start? Who should buckle under the weight of their own hubris, who should face the fury of our righteous wrath?
Due to a technicality, what they serve can legally be refered to as "food"
There may be worse places to spend thirty bucks than at an Applebee's, but that list includes cockfights and Hot Topic. What bothers me about this particular blemish on our culinary landscape is not so much the sheer mediocrity of their food and atmosphere, it's the fact that some people have been brainwashed into thinking that going there for dinner and drinks is some kind of highlight to an evening. Applebee's should be a last resort after a person decides that they don't want to wait in line at high falutin' places like Olive Garden or eat in their car after a drive-thru run at the Golden Arches. It is not a treat, is what I'm saying. I'd rather have microwaved Spaghetti Oh's than go to Applebee's. I hate Spaghetti Oh's. Not even out-of-towners whose typical choices in sit-down restaurants are limited to Pizza Huts and VFWs should be excused from looking forward to a trip to the AB.
The last time I was at Applebee's (at the suggestion of a friend who refused to entertain my argument that punching each other in the face in the parking lot would be more enjoyable) I ordered the buffalo wings. While I'm no expert on what makes tiny fried chicken parts delicious, neither is Applebee's. The sauce on my appetizer abominations tasted, for lack of a less revolting term, like stomach acid. One bite into the first one and my watered down, $8 Bloody Mary was no match for the poor fowl who sacrificed their lives in vain and the corporate chefs who decided to make me the butt of their practical joke.
The rest of their menu is no better, taking bland, inoffensive choices and mass producing them until any soul or personality that the food originally had has been censored away. What makes it such a popular choice is probably the fact that you can get crappy food from every ethnic group to go along side your Appletini. You can choose from cardboard fajitas, authentic southern barbeque from a south that never existed or a number of Italian (pronounced with a long "I") choices that explain everything I need to know about the cast of Jersey Shore.
If Applebee's 'Florentine Ravioli' had its own show
Applebee's is by no means the only offender when it comes to over-priced, barely edible "entrees," but at least Hooter's has the decency to distract patrons from their crap by having depressed single moms serve it while wearing orange hot pants and Wonder Bras. Applebee's is the perfect ending to a night out the same way gas station bathrooms are a great place to meet people. Applebee's is a blight on our culture and proof that if you can get a cast member from Northern Exposure to voice the ads in a non-threatening tone, we will come. No longer shall we tolerate this shoddy TGI Friday's impersonator! My fellow countrymen, join me and refuse to occupy Applebee's!
Categories: People and Culture