J. C. Mogensen

Reality with a Healthy Dose of Humor

Ramblings

My English Is Long And Strong

Posted on September 19, 2013 at 1:20 AM

I'm a pretty smart guy. Maybe not "Doogie Howser" smart, but who is? I'm a writer – it's how I pay my bills. I'm no Stephen King, but even Stephen King isn't Stephen King all the time. (Pennywise is a giant spider!?! Really?) Being smart enough to avoid poking myself in the brain with a Q-Tip after a shower and the fact that I use words as key part of my livelihood should mean that I'm always able to communicate clearly and effectively. But, NOOO….


The problem is that I say and write things to other people in the very same way that I do to myself. I know what I mean when I tell myself something, but, because everyone else refuses to live in my mind with me, there is an occasional bit of confusion. This isn't so much a huge problem as it is a source of never-ending awkwardness for me.



Take, for instance, the time I was expecting some eBay goodies, but wasn't gonna be around to greet the delivery man. I didn't want my stuff sitting on the front step for any old savage to just wander off with, so, I left a helpful note. It wasn't until later that I realized it could be interpreted as, well, something else.


 

 I forgot to write "Gently,"

 

Then there was the time I was setting up a meeting with someone from Craigslist to buy a used smartphone. We agreed to meet in the parking lot of a Perkin's. She texted to tell me that she was going to be in a silver Chrysler Le Baron convertible so that I'd be able to spot her. I replied that I would be in a red Taurus with a bra on. She responded with, "Ummmm…. OK, I guess."



 What she was expecting

 


 What I meant

 



Lest you think that inadvertent innuendo is a thing of the past for me, here's a conversation with a nice gal that happened just a few days ago.


 

 



Yes, I'm a writer whose communication skills are just a notch above a shit-slinging monkey that's taking sign language lessons.


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