|Posted on August 6, 2012 at 9:35 PM|
What's sexy? Who's to say, definitively, but everyone with a pulse has a list of things that cranks their respective gears. I know what I like, what I don't like, and what makes me wrinkle up my nose and mutter something about terrible decision making skills. The weird thing is that what I like now is not what I liked way back when, generally. Torn stockings and combat boots just don't work on me the way they used to. I remember back when the only thing more exciting than finding out that a whale tale was a thing was spotting my first one in the wild. Now I'm more inclined to wonder if the gal flaunting one is too short to replace the light bulb in her closet. Maybe I've grown as a person, maybe I've learned the difference between a chick and a woman, or maybe having daughters rapidly approaching you-are-not-going-out-dressed-like-that age has forced a change of perspective. At any rate, here are a few things that are sexy and a few that are most definitely not.
Sexy: A Loose, Low Ponytail
While a high and tight ponytail screams severe; a loose, low one tells the story of a girl who is fun and mellow. It's the ultimate no muss, no fuss hairstyle. If your substitute teacher walked into the classroom with a ponytail on the tippity-top of her head pulled so tight it made her look perpetually surprised, you knew she wasn't gonna tolerate any funny business. Hell, she'd probably assign even more homework than the regular teacher just to prove she could. But, if it was loose and low, she'd probably insist on being called by her first name.
Not Sexy: Words On Your Ass
I'm gonna get right to it – if there's room on your ass to write "Bootylicious," it isn't. Your backside is not a billboard, ladies. If you're gonna advertise back there, at least get paid for it. (Note to self: million dollar idea – start rear end advertising company. Possible names – Buttvertising, CanMercials, Tail-Talkers, Rear View Ads.) Look, Victoria Secret may be great at stuffing lady-bits into uncomfortable under things, but they missed the mark when they encouraged the fairer gender to wear sweatpants that said "Pink" on the rump. There are no slogans or catchphrases that can make a lady's backyard more interesting than it already is.
Sexy: Knit Sweaters
This might just be me, but I love a baggy knit sweater on a gal. They just look so cozy and cuddly. Like the low ponytail, a knit sweater is sexy because it isn't trying to be. They hang just right on the female form without ever giving too much away. Some guys yearn for the warm bikini weather of summer; I like the cool, sweater-worthy air of fall.
Not Sexy: Duckface
I won't pretend to be the first to mock this trend, but I am going to bring it up because, seriously, what the hell, girls? The New York Times said that Megan Fox is the only person who has ever looked good doing the duckface. The New York Times is a bunch of damn dirty liars. Not even Donald Duck wants to kiss Daisy until she stops doing that dumb thing with her lips. If you absolutely must look like a woodland creature, maybe try frog face or fish lips – they aren't better, but at least they're different. As long as we're on the topic of girls going out of their way to look as unattractive as possible, could you please hit that mirror with some Windex before your next cell phone photo shoot? You'd be amazed how the flash on an iPhone catches every water streak and pimple carcass on a mirror if you don't clean the shiz off first. Or are you trying to distract from that weird thing your lips are doing?
Sexy: Glasses/Being Smart/Having An Opinion
Yes, I know putting on a pair of glasses doesn't automatically raise a person's IQ, but it sure looks like it does. Glasses are adorable. Honestly, the only reason anyone fell for Sarah Palin was because her glasses were cute and made her look like she could outwit a stump. Of course, she opened her mouth and blew the illusion, but I digress. If looking smart is sexy then actually being smart is off-the-charts hot. A gal who has an opinion about the political scene, society, current events, or where to go for dinner is infinitely better than a yes-man doormat. Before we go any further, I should clarify that having an opinion and being opinionated are two very different things. Anyone, male or female, who equates being the loudest with being the smartest should probably shut up and put their helmet back on.
Not Sexy: Uptalk, Vocal Fry, Or Saying "Like," Like All The Time
This is not just a teenage thing, I wish it was. There are scores of professional twenty and thirty-something women who talk like they just missed being cast in Clueless. Ending every sentence like it's a question bugs the shit out of me, mostly because I'm not the best listener and it makes me wonder if I missed part of the complete thought. Vocal frying is when the last syllable of a word gets really growly and just kind of trails off. Now I like a gravelly voice in a gal (I loved it when my ex wife got a sore throat), but vocal fry makes it sound like a girl's batteries are dying. As far as saying "like" all the time, well, I propose that anyone who comes in contact with such a person uses "similar" in the same fashion to get the point across.
Sexy: Driving A Stick
No, this is not a cleverly disguised innuendo. I honestly mean driving a car with a manual transmission. For me it has nothing to do with the phallic nature of the shifter or the sweet purr of an engine as it's revved through the gears. This particular skill is sexy precisely because it is a skill. No one knows how to row their own gears anymore. Even criminals pass over shifty cars because they were too lazy to learn how to drive one. A gal who knows that the clutch pedal isn't just an extra brake is a girl who can drive me around, if ya know what I mean.
Not Sexy: Spitting
I'm not talking about chewing tobacco, although that is a special kind of nasty, I'm talking about regular old saliva spewing. When a guy spits on the sidewalk or hocks a phlegm bomb, I just assume he was raised by monkeys who hadn't evolved to the level of shit tossing, but when a girl does it, I die a little inside. I have come to terms with the fact that pretty girls fart and poop, but there is nothing less lady-like than spitting. Nothing.
So there you have it. It's an odd list, sure, and by no means complete, but don't pretend like you don't have your own version tucked under the bathroom sink of your mind. If you're lucky enough to find a gal who checks "Yes" on every one of your "Is She Sexy" boxes, and possibly even a few you didn't know you had, make sure you treat her right, because having a type makes finding the right girl even harder.
Categories: People and Culture