|Posted on February 3, 2012 at 2:45 PM|
There are good jokes and then there are great jokes. Then there's this one. I heard it in 6th grade and it remains the best joke I have ever heard. I take no credit for coming up with this, I just wrote it down. Enjoy.
Purple Gum Wrappers
Little Johnny has just finished his breakfast and is getting his things together before heading out to the bus when his mother notices that he has a strange look on his face
"What's the matter?" she asks.
"I'm just wondering what the deal is with purple gum wrappers," he answers.
"No child of mine will speak such filth! I have no son, you leave and never come back," she screams at him while shoving him out the door.
Shocked, Johnny does as he's told and, having nowhere else to go, gets on the school bus. Shortly before arriving at school, the bus driver notices the sad look on the boy's face and asks what's wrong.
"I asked my mom about purple gum wrappers and she threw me out of the house," the boy replies.
The bus driver slams on the brakes and yells, "Out! Get out of the bus! You can just walk your disgusting self the rest of the way and don't bother trying to get back on after school because you are banned from this bus."
Little Johnny finally arrives at school, but he is late for class, having had to walk part of the way to school.
"Why are you late, Johnny?" his teacher asks.
"The bus driver made me get off the bus after I told him that my mom threw me out of the house for asking about purple gum wrappers."
The teacher is appalled. "And for good reason. March yourself down to the principal's office right this second. I won't have that kind nastiness polluting my class."
Again, Johnny does as he's told and goes to meet with the principal. The principal, a kind older man, asks Johnny why a normally good student such as himself would be sent down to the office first thing in the morning.
"Well, I asked my mom about purple gum wrappers and she kicked me out of the house, then I asked the bus driver and he kicked me off the bus. The teacher asked why I was late and I told her it was because the bus driver kicked me off the bus for mentioning purple gum wrappers and she sent me here."
"And now your filthy mouth has gotten you banished from school," the principal adds. He ushers the boy outside and tells him to never come back.
Johnny wanders aimlessly for a while until a policeman pulls over, wondering what a young boy is doing walking around town during school hours. Johnny explains the events of the morning and, like the other adults, the policeman is revolted by the boy. He tells him to get in the squad car, drives him to the city limits and tells the boy that he will be shot on site if he ever returns.
After waking away from his home town for hours, a limousine pulls alongside and a tinted window rolls down. "Young man, what are you doing walking all alone out here in the middle of nowhere?"
"Well, I asked my mom about purple gum wrappers and she kicked me out of the house. Then, the bus driver threw me off the bus for mentioning it. My teacher asked why I was late for class and, when I told her about it, she told me to see the principal. The principal kicked me out of school when I brought up purple gum wrappers and a policeman that stopped to see why I was out of school told me I would be shot if I ever came back to town after I said something about purple gum wrappers to him. I have nowhere to go and I don't know why what I did was wrong," he said, sobbing. "Please mister, why is purple gum wrappers such a bad thing to talk about?"
"Son, I'm the governor and I can see that you didn't mean to do anything wrong. Unfortunately, I'm up for re-election and my opponent would have a field day if he found out that I was talking to you about purple gum wrappers. It pains me to do it, but I'm going to have to escort you to the state border and banish you forever."
After walking for days, Johnny hears the sound of a helicopter. When it lands, a group of men in dark sunglasses and nice suits step out and Johnny can see a person he recognizes form TV inside. One of the men walks over to Johnny, gets his full story and relays the info over a walkie-talkie. "Are you sure, Mister President?" he asks, the man nods.
"Step in to the chopper," the man tells him and Johnny does. Inside he takes a seat next to the important man.
"You've been making quite a fuss with this filth of yours," The President tells him. "After convening a special session of Congress, we, as a nation, have decided that there is no place for you here. You will be put on a cargo plane and flown to China. May God have mercy on your disgusting soul." No one says anything else to the boy. He is given an injection that makes him pass out.
He wakes sometime later on a busy street loaded with shops selling items he doesn't recognize. He wanders for a while, trying to get information from the locals, but none speak English. Finally a shopkeeper asks him, "Rittle boy, why you ahh arone?" in an offensively stereotypical accent.
"My mom, the bus driver, my teacher, the principal, a policeman, the governor and the President all kicked me out for asking about purple gum wrappers. Do you know what the deal is, sir? If I could just find out, maybe they would let me come home," Johnny pleads.
The shopkeeper is quiet for a moment, then says, "Across street is very wise man. He tell you ancient truth about gum wrapper."
Johnny sees the old man that the shopkeeper is referring to and rushes towards him. But, before he can reach the old man, BAM!, he's hit by a bus.
The moral of the story is: Look both ways before you cross the street.
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