|Posted on December 31, 2011 at 5:50 PM|
Until recently I didn't have a huge problem with the whole hipster subculture. At best I didn't notice them and at worst they were a passing curiosity. I think I've made it pretty clear that I don't have what it takes to be the person anyone turns to in order to get a better idea of what's cool and what's not. This means that I definitely don't have it in me to like anything ironically. It's important to keep this in mind because something happened recently that made me change my opinion of hipsters from casual dismissal to outright hatred.
I didn't say anything when hip young people started wearing thick glasses just for the look even when they didn't need them and I held my tongue when twenty something guys began showing up at my favorite bars in skinny jeans, deep-V t-shirts and scarves. I even resisted the urge to use my keys to shank the guy at the Roger Clyne and The Peacemakers concert who I overheard telling his friend that he liked them before they were popular. (For the record: Before he led RCPM, Roger Clyne was the front man for The Refreshments, a band that hit it big with the song "Banditos" off of their major label debut album "Fizzy, Fuzzy, Big and Buzzy" back in '96. So, unless you bought their independent album, "Wheelie," back when they were playing bars in Tempe, you did not like them before they were "mainstream" you trendy, clove cigarette smoking, Pabst Blue Ribbon sipping mother fucker.)
Like I said, everything changed the other day when I spotted one of these assbags wearing a fishing hat. They can have beanies, bowlers, berets and even fedoras, but I draw the line at fishing hats. I fucking love fishing hats. I wear a fishing hat all the time. I also happen to have a small fortune in fishing gear and exactly zero interest in how attractive my hat makes me to members of the opposite sex – all qualifications that MUST be met in order to wear one of these glorious pieces of headgear in public. You don't get laid because of a fishing hat, you get laid in spite of it. This makes it the exact wrong choice for hat-wearing hipsters since the their whole M.O. is designed to attract girls who spent their formative years in black-painted bedrooms writing shitty, crybaby poetry. A fishing hat is something you earn, not something you wear to make a statement, you narcissistic pretty boy.
This is what fishing hats are for
Is there nothing sacred left? Are they going to start wearing house slippers out in public next? If this becomes a trend rather than the actions of a single misguided liberal arts student, the next time I wear my fishing hat to the elementary school to pick up my first grader I run the risk of being considered a sad mid-thirties man trying desperately to fit in with the younger crowd of hepcats rather than someone who has earned the right to wear the world's most comfortable skull cover by being married for well over a decade, reading the same Dr. Seuss book to a demanding rug monkey for the millionth time and getting thoroughly skunked at the ole fishing hole on a regular basis.
My hat and slippers - I've earned them
Hipsters be warned. Put a stop to this now or I swear on the nearest holy book to whatever deity it belongs to that I will rob a bank, use the money to build a clock tower in the center of town, fortify it with Shasta and Lil' Smokies, and use a high powered rifle to pick off every organic shampoo using, greasy headed shithead that wanders within my sights. Your choice.*
Put down the iPhone, pick up a tackle box
*This threat is completely empty, I mean how am I going to build a clock tower? What am I, a carpenter?
Categories: People and Culture